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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ahsantesana's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
9:45 pm
Happiness is a warm puppy.
What is it about a small furry creature looking lovingly at you that makes your heart melt? It is amazing how quickly a dog can become attached to a person. The Dauchshund I inherited from my father (the sister to the one I already had) rode from New Mexico to Oklahoma City in my eldest son's lap (since I was driving). My son thought she had imprinted on him but within a week she decided that I am her human of choice. I renamed her Daisy (her previous name had been "Puppy" -- how imaginative) after the character Daisy Adair from "Dead Like Me" and I put her on a diet. Knowing my father, Daisy probably was shown love through her daily hot dog and numerous treats which resulted in her weight problem. She was shy and unaccustomed to being cuddled. She ate it up with a spoon!!! My father's widow didn't want her because she "pissed and shit all over the house" yet since she has been with us, she has had only two accidents (in 4 months). I believe she was trying to get attention the only way she knew how and now that she doesn't have to try to get attention, she has no reason to mess in the house. She snuggles under the covers at my feet at night and lays contentedly by my side while I sit reading or watching TV. She has even gotten used to being held like a baby in my arms. She has lost almost all of her excess weight and even though she still can't sit up to beg (like her bigger sister can), she shows how happy she is through her boundless energy. She does her doggy happy dance when I get home from school and lavishes me with kisses when I pick her up. My husband says I am spoiling her but I tell him I am only making up for lost time. To me happiness truly is a warm "puppy".

Current Mood: content
Saturday, January 7th, 2006
3:02 am
Brokeback Mountain
I took my daughter to see the movie Brokeback Mountain today. I thought it was a very well made movie and the heterosexual sex is more graffic than the sex scene between Enis and Jack. I was s bit surprized by the large number of people who were in attendance considering it was 1:10 PM on a Friday afternoon. With many of the other movies I've gone to during the week, the theater is almost empty. I am glad to see that even in the middle of the Bible Belt there are people who are open minded about this movie. During the sex scene I noticed one person leaving the theater but (I hope) they were only answering the call of nature and not leaving because they found it offensive. I was moved to tears by the end of the movie butI won't tell you why because I hope you go to see it for yourself. I really liked this movie (and it didn't hurt that the two main actors are very sexy men).

Current Mood: contemplative
2:57 am
I am a goddess
HASH(0x8c0bef0)
Which goddess are you?

brought to you by Quizilla

You are Artemis! One of the Three virgin goddesses. You tend to be very cold,but beautiful and swear you'll never marry. You are the goddess of the hunt and also known to be a goddess of the moon. You are the protector of all young women.

Current Mood: calm
Tuesday, July 26th, 2005
3:07 am
Hypocrisy runs Rampant
My daughter is having a really hard time relating to her eldest brother. He tries to tell her how she should behave and has gone so far as to tell her boyfriend that she treats him like shit and he deserves better (thus prompting him to break up with her) yet he is in a dangerous relationship with a 15 year old child (he is 20) and he refuses to listen to reason from ANYONE! She says the song below describes how she is feeling about him right now. I don't blame her -- he has pursued this relationship at the expense of his family....



"Over The Head, Below The Knees"

You must not have a heart
Have nothing in your chest
To let it go for so long
And let this go so far
That it goes over your head

You could fool anyone
With your pensive smile
And you could live in your lie
For only a while
And I could only take so much (from not so far away)
And I admit this could be love (but love can always wait)
But it goes over your head

What does she have
Can you let go
Can you tell me
What I am aching to know

You could ruin any mood
Just by saying what's on your mind
You could only tame his body
Never tame this mind
And I can only take so much (from now so far away)
And I admit this could be love (but love can always wait)
But it goes over your head

What does she have
Can you let go
Can you tell me
What I am aching to know

If i'm reaching in
You're not letting it show
Used up your space now
And there's no room to grow
Too deep, can't breath
And you can't find the end
It's right in front of you
But it goes over your head

What does she have
Can you let go
Can you tell me
What I am aching to know

You must not have a heart
Have nothing in your chest

Current Mood: frustrated
1:52 am
Sometimes a song says it all....
"Your Biggest Mistake"

What do you think inside your head (i wanna know)
so you think that this could end up (breaking you)

Your life is a timebomb set to explode
You talk out your ass and everyone knows
For once you should listen or care what i think
Or i'll be gone before you can blink

Everyones told you over and over again
Your making the biggest mistake of your life
Everyones told you
Everyone you left behind
Your making the biggest mistake of your life

Everyone knows that your afraid of (missing out)
And i know that its hard for you to (swallow down)
A world you created set to explode
You lie through your teeth and everyone knows
For once you should take what im willing to give
Or you'll stay stuck in the web that your trapped in

Everyones told you over and over again
Your making the biggest mistake of your life
Everyones told you
Everyone you left behind
Your making the biggest mistake of your life

It's a chance (what a chance)
you should take (you take)
And i know its not an easy one to make
You should trust the ones that are closest to you

Everyones told you over and over again
Your making the biggest mistake of your life
Everyones told you
Everyone you left behind
Your making the biggest mistake of your life

You've made the biggest mistake of your life

Current Mood: aggravated
Friday, June 24th, 2005
10:10 pm
If you want to view paradise.....
COME WITH ME
AND YOU'LL BE
IN A WORLD OF PURE IMAGINATION
TAKE A LOOK
AND YOU'LL SEE
INTO YOUR IMAGINATION
WE'LL BEGIN
WITH A SPIN
TRAVELLING IN THE WORLD OF MY CREATION
WHAT WE'LL SEE
WILL DEFY
EXPLANATION
IF YOU WANT TO VIEW PARADISE
SIMPLY LOOK AROUND AND VIEW IT
ANYTHING YOU WANT TO, DO IT
WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD
THERE'S NOTHING
TO IT
THERE IS NO LIFE I KNOW
TO COMPARE WITH PURE IMAGINATION
LIVING THERE
YOU'LL BE FREE
IF YOU TRULY WISH TO BE
IF YOU WANT TO VIEW PARADISE
SIMPLY LOOK AROUND AND VIEW IT
ANYTHING YOU WANT TO, DO IT
WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD
THERE'S NOTHING
TO IT
THERE IS NO LIFE I KNOW
TO COMPARE WITH PURE IMAGINATION
LIVING THERE
YOU'LL BE FREE
IF YOU TRULY
WISH TO BE
(PURE IMAGINATION from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)

I love summer (except for the heat-- LOL). It brings back memories of days gone by and summer days and evenings of my youth. Walking with my first love after a rain storm, a first kiss on a bridge at night, summer romances, Swimming in the pond with my best friend, watching fireworks over the ocean, family cookouts, Traveling around the country with my family, so many memories. I wish I could've given those types of memories to my kids. We have gone to New Mexico and my boys have taken trips with JROTC to Alabama, Texas, and Florida but I really want to be able to do something special with them before they are all gone. I would love to take them back to Massachusetts to see where I spent my summers. I would love to take them to Yellowstone, the Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore, Niagara Falls, and Disneyland/World. I never knew how privileged I was as a kid. I thought our excursions across country were lame and took too long to get anywhere (we always went by car and pulled a trailer to save on lodging). I would give anything to be able to give my kids that experience.

If you are lucky enough to get to take a road trip with your family -- do it. It is a memory that will last a lifetime!!!

Cheers!
D.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
9:37 pm
Summer vacation is just around the corner.
Three more days of school and we are out for vacation! I have applied at another school and will probably interview next week. I have mixed feelings about leaving Jefferson -- I will miss the friends I have made but I will not miss the atmosphere. This year has been the year from Hell! The new principal has been a real piece of work and I am once again being moved to a different room. The catch this time is that I will have to share the room with another teacher and therefore will have to teach the same subject she teaches -- SOCIAL STUDIES!!!! I was never good in history and I'm not crazy about teaching it. The classroom we have been assigned has a temporary wall between us and the next classroom (and the other teacher requested the side with the solid wall -- joy joy (NOT). I am so tired of being jerked around that I am hoping that the other school hires me. At least if I am low man on the totem pole I won't feel badly if I have to share a room.

Current Mood: bitchy
Sunday, May 29th, 2005
12:15 am
Mother Love
Man-Child

He wants to be a man but still acts like a child
And thus the age of conflict has begun.
He fights to break the ties that bind him to my heart
yet needs to know he'll always be my son.

Growing up is always hard for both the mother and child,
I would not wish this on an enemy.
The more he pulls away, the less he holds on,
yet he can not bring himself to be free.

He blames me for this while in his heart he knows
That I will be there in his hour of need.
When he falls and needs someone to help him to his feet
or bind the wounds when they start to bleed.

One day he will realize there is no real fight
and a man-child is alright to be.
For you never need to totally escape your mother's love
It's only then that finally he'll be free.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Saturday, April 30th, 2005
6:09 pm
Feeling a little dark today!
Take the quiz: "What kind of Goth are you?"

Antiquity Goth
Antiquity Goth...Inside you feel sad, and don't know why. Most of all, you would have loved to live a few centuries ago, when girls were holy and men had to fight in the war. You love to read and write. People like you for you calmness.

Current Mood: aggravated
Sunday, March 20th, 2005
8:28 pm
A woman Scorned
form action="http://chaz.bdmonkeys.net/battle.php" method="get">

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Prowling over the hotel lobby, clutching a piece of chainlink fence, cometh AHSANTESANA! And she gives a cruel cry:

"For the love of beatings, I bring darkness and mayhem faster than the super-flu!!"

Find out!
Enter username: <input ... >
Are you <input ... >a girl, or <input ... >a guy ?
<input ... >

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

</form>

Current Mood: disappointed
7:21 pm
Angry and Confused
Why is it that the very person you try to please turns around and slaps you in the face? If you don't spend enough time with them then you don't care -- yet when you try to make provisions to spend time with them they say you are smothering and controlling. You treat them and their friends to a beer bash or two yet you are accused of treating them like children. You ask them to spend three days out of 15 with you and get accused of telling them how to spend their time with you. Then to add insult to injury, they lie to your face and go behind your back (like a child) rather than being the man they presume to be and being honest and forthright with you. The final insult comes when they don't bother letting you know that they arrived at their destination safely yet they contact other people who aren't family members.

Does this mean that they don't give a shit about anyone's feelings but their own? Is it that they are selfish and don't care what anyone else thinks? Or is it that they are indeed a child still and can't seem to see beyond their own egocentric being to see things through others' eyes. Their take on the world is the only right one and be damned if they ask for a second opinion.

All of you 18-20somethings take note -- if you want to be treated as an adult, then ACT LIKE ONE!!! If you feel put upon speak up! Don't be dishonest as a child would be -- let your wishes be known BEFORE HAND and when asked what you want speak up don't say "I don't care" When you REALLY DO!! Others will still love you but if you don't speak up and later feel put upon then SUCK IT UP and don't whine about it because if you are given a choice and you don't speak up then you are making the choice to do whatever the others want to do. YOU MADE THE CHOICE TO GO ALONG SO DON"T WHINE ABOUT IT LATER!!

I have been deeply hurt by one such person and all I ever wanted to do was to spend a little time with them and show them how much I love them. In return I am called selfish, smothering, and controlling. I guess I just can't win. In return for burning up most of my leave to be with that person, I got lied to and shunned. I have yet to hear from that person since they left and I will not IMPOSE myself upon them any further. I feel betrayed and heartsick. I thought better of that person but I guess I was wrong. I guess I am a blind fool who loved too much and cared too deeply and in the end has been stabbed in the back.

Life is a series of learning experiences and then you die.

Current Mood: sad
Saturday, January 8th, 2005
7:24 pm
Writer's Block
It's been a while since I heard from my son. When I don't catch him on line for several days, and he doesn't post during that time, I start to worry a little bit. Even though he is in Baghdad and in harm's way, I usually don't worry about him -- he's smart, fairly quick and I'm sure knows how to duck. I worry about his emotional condition. A person can't go through what he has without taking on some emotional baggage. During the holidays I especially worried about him and how he was feeling. He wrote a beautiful albeit melancholy memory of past Christmases. I miss him and wish I could put my arms around him and let him know how much he is loved. I pray for his safe return home and that he will get to come home soon for R&R. I pray for all of our troops but you will forgive me if I say an extra prayer for my own to be delivered safely home sooner rather than later.

Current Mood: restless
Monday, November 22nd, 2004
12:19 am
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
Enigma

Where are you?
I cannot see you
nor can I touch you
but I feel you.

your loneliness is palpable
your pain is real.
I know this because
I can feel it too.

You never say so
but I know you ache
to be back home
and rid of the war.

Within your dreams
you fight alone
and wake with a scream
to find that you are.

but within your heart
you know that in time.
This will all be behind
just a really bad dream.

so be strong and have faith
that the day will soon come
when we touch in reality
not just with our minds.

It has only been 5 and a half months but it seems so much longer since I last saw my Gary. I miss him and worry about him and know he is lonely and miserable at times. I hate this war, I hate Bush for getting us into it with no plan to get our troops out again and I hate that my son has to see death and raw hatred at the age of 19. I know he will never be the same because of this experience and it will haunt him for the rest of his life. I just hope that it will make him hate violence and war even more for having been through it. I pray every night for his safe return home and that it will be soon. I pray that there will be no more needless loss of American soldiers and no more grieving families left behind. My heart breaks for all the mothers who's sons won't be coming home or who came home in a pine box instead of on their own two feet. I pray there will be an end to this insanity and that our soldiers will be coming home. I pray....

Current Mood: discontent
Sunday, November 21st, 2004
11:55 pm
My battle cry!

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Skulking along the desert, cutting down all who dare stand in the way using a thorned whip, cometh A1dreamwriter! And she gives an ominous scream:

"I'm seriously going to punch you past the point of no return!"

Find out!
Enter username:
Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys



Current Mood: crazy
Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
7:33 am
Old Memories and music in my head
Our love is an old love, Baby
It's older than all our years.
I have seen in strange young eyes familiar tears.
We're old souls in a new life, Baby
They gave us a new life to live and learn;
some time to touch old friends and still return

Our paths have crossed and parted
This love affair was started
Long, long ago
This love survives the ages
In its story live are pages
fill them up -- may ours turn slow
oh

Our love is a strong love, Baby
We give it all and still receive
and so with empty arms we must still believe
All souls last forever so we need never fear goodbye
A kiss when I must go -- no tears-- in time we kiss hello.
(Paul Williams)
(Old Souls -- Phantom of the Paradise)

I woke this morning with the words of "Old Souls" in my head but I got stuck on the last verse. This woke me completely and I felt compelled to pull out the old album and look at the words then to write them here. I have been singing it over and over since. I hadn't thought about this song in years yet I can still sing it through. It is amazing how profound a song can be in our lives that even years later we can still remember it.

Current Mood: contemplative
7:17 am
Old Memories and music in my head
Our love is an old love, Baby
It's older than all our years.
I have seen in strange young eyes familiar tears.
We're old souls in a new life, Baby
They gave us a new life to live and learn;
some time to touch old friends and still return

Our paths have crossed and parted
This love affair was started
Long, long ago
This love survives the ages
In its story live are pages
fill them up -- may ours turn slow
oh

Our love is a strong love, Baby
We give it all and still receive
and so with empty arms we must still believe
All souls last forever so we need never fear goodbye
A kiss when I must go -- no tears-- in time we kiss hello.
Paul Williams
(Old Souls -- Phantom of the Paridise)

I woke this morning with the words of "Old Souls" in my head but I got stuck on the last verse. This woke me completely and I felt compelled to pull out the old album and look at the words then to write them here. I have been singing it over and over since. I hadn't thought about this song in years yet I can still sing it through. It is amazing how profound a song can be in our lives that even years later we can still remember it.

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, October 13th, 2004
10:59 pm
The highway of life.

Ahsantesana Highway
Study Hall3
Hobotown14
Bog of Eternal Marriage41
Wealthville129
Fame City514
Please Drive Carefully
Username:

Where are you on the highway of life?

From Go-Quiz.com


Current Mood: bored
10:11 pm
Dreamscapes
When the prozac quits working -- then what? The physical exhaustion makes everything seem mundane and trite. It is amazing how things can be so uninspiring and life can seem so colorless at times. It is amazing what lack of sleep can do to your psyche -- how it can make everything seem so bland. like white rice with no seasoning or anything when you have a cold. Maybe tomorrow things will seem more colorful...

Current Mood: blah
Tuesday, September 28th, 2004
9:06 pm
Youth is wasted on the young
If only I were 18 again knowing what I know now. I would be bolder and not worry about "having somebody". Relationships are good (don't get me wrong) but I don't "NEED" someone to complete me. You find that out after being married for 14 years. I am very comfortable with myself and sometimes think, "I don't remember my mom looking this old at my age!" Ah well, I feel better than I have in years and plan to do things to improve on nature as I can afford it. The first thing I plan on doing is getting more rest and exercise (those don't cost anything -- just time) beyond that -- who knows?! Anyway, my advice to any person young or old is to be happy with life and enjoy it because it's too important to be taken seriously!

Current Mood: nostalgic
Saturday, September 25th, 2004
11:51 pm
Another Pleasant Valley Sunday
Another late night waiting to see if I hear from the giant sand box. Whenever I am on the computer, I turn on my Instant Messenger just in case my soldier boy decides to get on-line. It is the unknown that makes us fear and when your son is thousands of miles away in a hostile environment, you try to be available for any contact no matter how brief. Even if we can't chat, just seeing him on-line lets me know that he is, at least for the time being, safe.

I find myself staying up too late and not getting my work done. I end up doing last-minute prep for things and not being 100% like I would like to be. My mind and heart are not on work -- I find it hard to worry about the mundane tasks of daily living and working. I pray each day that he will be returned safely without too much psychological damage. I believe that his destiny is NOT to be a soldier but something more -- someone who will make a more permanent mark on the world. I'm not saying that I don't think he needs everyone's prayers -- I am simply saying that I have faith in God that he will come home to make his mark on the world back here in the USA.

Current Mood: restless
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